Lord, I remember as a child asking you to repeatedly forgive me whenever there was an alter call. . . for what, I didn't really know. I knew I wanted to go to live with You for eternity and not in the Lake of Fire with Satan. There were several times I felt Your presence and knew You were with me and it was always related to worshipping You with my eyes closed and focused on You. I wish I had done it more and grown in my relationship with You, but no one taught me to pray, outside of our nightly "Now I lay me down to sleep..." My Dad was learning to and doing the best he could and I didn't hear about it at church.
I regret letting myself walk/be drawn away from Your love. I wish I'd "known" it was you whispering the words of encouragement to me when I was a child. I never "pondered" things back then. Thank you for the countless times you've saved my life and never giving up on me. I wish I'd seen the near death misses and understood you were there to making sure I made it. I remember having dreams of missing the rapture of the saints the moon changing colors, but I didn't go. It was when I wasn't living for You, but myself.
I just remembered about how at a youth lock in I learned about "waiting for a mate" and "date for a mate". And at another time, I learned that there was a throne in my heart and that either Satan could be king, or my self or Jesus.
I've been struggling with "when did I truly get things right with you?" I walked to the alter at nineteen, after "my world" fell apart and my friend Meredith kept calling me to come to church with her. But even though I surrendered all, I began living for me/DH. I was discipled, learned how to pray , loved praise and worship and being with You. DH and I were married and nothing really changed in Our relationship. I remember us following our youth pastor's lead after we were married, of meeting early to pray and spend time with you. I feel closer to you now than back then.
I remember when You showed me in a series of dreams that we'd have our first child. You even gave me her name. I wrote it down, but didn't understand all the dreams until after she was born. You told me about the c-section and gave me her name. I felt so far away from you when I disobeyed you and had a misscarriage b/c of my disobedience. You knew that would happen and I believe you were trying to save me the heartache by telling me not to allow things to happen between me and DH that night. I wanted another baby and chose not to listen. It was a long time before I felt close to you again. I remember that it wasn't long after the miscarriage when we found out I was pregnant with our second daughter. We were in between churches and w/o a church family. It was lonely. We prayed for her name and tried to figure out what we should name her and again we had a name. I am still amazed at Michael and the fact that Elise was praying for another baby.
I remember you asking me if I wanted more and I said, "Yes, but DH doesn't want anymore." At one point I'd thought I was pregnant and asked You, "if we were going to have another baby?" When you told me yes, I asked you for the name and you gave me a name for a boy. I was confused and dissappointed when I started my cycle. I didn't understand why you'd give me a name for a baby that never made it. I didn't realize until later, when I was pregnant with him, that my question wasn't "Am I pregnant and going to have a baby?"
I guess, the fact is that I've grown in my relationship with you. I'll never forget the night in NC when Betsy was a baby. You lead me to the scriprue that said "Depart from Me, I never knew you." even though they called you Lord and cast out demons in Jesus name. You told them to leave, you never knew them. I felt like you were saying the same thing to me. I worked hard on getting to know you better after that.
I wish I could say I talk to you about everything and that I am faithful in praying without ceasing. I am trying to get there, but it's not easy. Thank you for Your faithfulness and never giving up on me.
I love you, Lord, and I am grateful to have you as my Savior and Friend.