Another year is almost gone. "It's all because of Jesus I'm alive...all because the blood of Jesus Christ" ♫♪
Thank You, Lord, for another day and Your mercies that are new, every morning. I hate being tired and gouchy like last night. How can I expect the kids to be nice when they are tired, when I can't do it? Some days I feel so spent and it's when I don't get enough sleep/rest.
I am thankful to be ALONE with you this morning. :) I don't understand this roller coaster of emotions and blue days that I've been feeling. I imagine it's from leaving my family after Christmas. I'm getting teary-eyed again. :( Lord, is it wrong to miss them? I don't know what to do. I give this ache to You. I am thankful to be back home.
Also, I keep worrying about the past and if DH is ok. I give it all to You. I know You have forgiven me and I am working through forgiving myself. . . whatever that means. I've tried to forgive myself for all the mistakes I've made b/c I know I have to forgive in order to be forgiven. I think part of all this struggle is coming from when I surrendered all. I felt like I gave my life to you 20 years ago, but I eventually began living for myself again and doing things my way. I don't remember spending much time with you after my DH and I were married. I remember thanking You for him, but I don't remember sitting down with You and fellowshipping with You. It makes me wonder about that night in NC where I got up after going to bed and felt lead to read the passage that includes "Depart from Me, I never knew you..." That hurt and scared me. Did I know You, more importantly, did you know me? Maybe it was the fact that I had not pressed into a deeper relationship with You, despite the fact that You were speaking to me and showing me things. Maybe it was simply a warning to be intimate with You and that things were not progressing as they should have been. . . Intimacy with You. I wouldn't want it any other way. Even still today I find myself being distracted from You at times. I want to walk with You through every situation and trial. I don't want to live/exist without You. I want to be in constant communion with You. Totally dependant upon You. I want to be more like Jesus and allow you to work in and through me; I want to be used by You to draw others to You and to bring glory to Your name.
Die to your selfish desire
Die to your selfish gain
Allow Me to live through you,
Despite all the pain.
Anyone who loves his life will lose it,
but he who hates his life in this world
will keep it for eternal life
Jesus followed Father to death and eternal life.
We too must die to our selfish gain and be willing to follow Christ, no matter what.
Live to Die: Live life in such a way that you are dead to your selfish ways and only His way remains. Be sold out for Christ.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in ALL your ways submit to Him and He will direct your path. (Proverbs 3:5-6)
Lord, I know that I need to trust you with all my heart and lean on You and not my own understandings. I know Your ways are better than mine and I will choose to follow You. I am still learning to submit all my ways to You and allowing You to direct my path. I trust that You will continue to help me in this area. Thank You for loving me and never giving up on me. I love You.